Writing is one of the only ways I can sort out my thoughts completely. Dad reminds me when I tell him that I spoke up in class, "Did you use your filter?" And one of my friends told me ever so kindly that my "I guess I'm trying to say, it's like, I don't really know"s make my point seem less valid than it is. I wish I could help it but I can't. I already stress myself out trying to gather the right thoughts to make my point to worry about how confidently and concisely I am making said point.
Take tonight, for example. We had no class, just songs and quick little scripture readings interspersed. People shared some that they liked or were reminded of this week(or found at the last minute in the bibles provided) and all said little snippets of wisdom that I didn't really hear. I was Elsewhere, in my mind palace, brooding over a seedling of a thought planted at the beginning of the evening.
In my youth group, we talk about how a lot of the time we aren't "where we need to be" with God, and for some reason this got under my skin tonight. "Where we need to be" makes it sound like we're going somewhere or trying to find something. And God isn't a place or a state of mind to me. There have been times where we're singing, or I see something inspiring, or I've finally transferred that burning thought in me onto paper or this blog, where I feel right with Him. But time passes, and the feeling with it. Life continues on as it has before. Time, so temporary a thing, ticks on, one moment after the next and none together at once, and we age another second and another. So we, being temporal things, treat all things the same way. Sure, we make plans, but usually none too far in the future to account for the changes time will bring. We take moments to ourselves and spend them on others, money bartered for memories, wasted on unimportant matters.
God is not constrained by such a limited thing, however. He Is the Was and Will Be the I Am and holds no regard for petty verb tenses. Here we are, seeking the sense that we are right with Him, treating God as sand that slips between our fingers and must be scooped up again. We think that we are missing His exit on the freeway and need to make some turns to get back where we needed to be this whole time. But God is EveryWhere and EveryWhen. We needn't go back to find Him, He was there the whole time and will be forever and always.
I'm not certain of the exact verse I wanted to say then--had I not been so flustered, I probably would have said it was in Isaiah somewhere--but it's about how he it eternal. He won't leave us, He is a fortress and our strongest protector, etc.. It didn't really matter, I suppose. I embarrass myself so much over nothing...
Anyhow, back to the important stuff.
He won't slip by us. We don't have to look too hard to find Him because of His omnipresence. And it may not feel like we're doing what we need to be in how we grow in Him. But in the journey of growing to meet someone, it won't be instant. You don't set goals in becoming friends (at least, I hope you don't...), you just spend time with them and let time run its course. Patience and an open ear are all that's required to learn a good deal about a person. You build confidence and trust, ask more, do more with them. And before you realize it, they are a big part of your life and you can't imagine it without them. So it is with friendships, so it must be with God.
Maybe this is just me blowing things out of proportion as usual, but whenever I hear somebody tell me what I should be doing, I think they mean for me to do it right now, as soon as possible. Watch this show, draw this picture, start doing this, do this with me, I'll love you forev--GIVE ME A MOMENT TO BREATHe and tell myself that I don't need to and cannot possibly do it all!
(That is how it feels in my head. It's a confusing and frightening place. Don't come visit.)
It's the same thing with spiritual matters, sad to say. Except I'm even sadder when I cannot fulfill the request as soon as possible, because I worry that the state of my soul is in jeopardy and I'm being a bad example, bad preacher's daughter, bad person, all the rest. It's unrealistic and silly and totally unfair to myself, but hey, somebody's gotta do it, may as well be me. Tell me that I should maybe try to reach out more and tell people what I believe or invite them to church and I will quite literally worry myself sick and tearfully beg Him for forgiveness. So many thoughts bound about in my head and many of them are about the things I am not doing well enough. That I'm not where I need to be with school, my family, my friends, my God.
So I am glad that if all else fails, I have that constancy. I'll have protection and comfort no matter what, and grace for when I really do fail. I may not be perfect, but I am tied to perfection itself. And I am not always in that state of mind or feeling that warmth bubbling in my chest, but He is there regardless and He loves me. I may not always openly tell Him that I love Him back, nor He me, but we do. I am not the most devout. Even if I were to denounce all but myself and move to an abbey, I would still think myself inadequate in all likelihood. But this isn't about adequacy, something I struggle to understand even after accepting grace. This is about hearts and the desire to love the light. And that much, I can do. I just need to give myself some time.
Take tonight, for example. We had no class, just songs and quick little scripture readings interspersed. People shared some that they liked or were reminded of this week
In my youth group, we talk about how a lot of the time we aren't "where we need to be" with God, and for some reason this got under my skin tonight. "Where we need to be" makes it sound like we're going somewhere or trying to find something. And God isn't a place or a state of mind to me. There have been times where we're singing, or I see something inspiring, or I've finally transferred that burning thought in me onto paper or this blog, where I feel right with Him. But time passes, and the feeling with it. Life continues on as it has before. Time, so temporary a thing, ticks on, one moment after the next and none together at once, and we age another second and another. So we, being temporal things, treat all things the same way. Sure, we make plans, but usually none too far in the future to account for the changes time will bring. We take moments to ourselves and spend them on others, money bartered for memories, wasted on unimportant matters.
God is not constrained by such a limited thing, however. He Is the Was and Will Be the I Am and holds no regard for petty verb tenses. Here we are, seeking the sense that we are right with Him, treating God as sand that slips between our fingers and must be scooped up again. We think that we are missing His exit on the freeway and need to make some turns to get back where we needed to be this whole time. But God is EveryWhere and EveryWhen. We needn't go back to find Him, He was there the whole time and will be forever and always.
I'm not certain of the exact verse I wanted to say then--had I not been so flustered, I probably would have said it was in Isaiah somewhere--but it's about how he it eternal. He won't leave us, He is a fortress and our strongest protector, etc.. It didn't really matter, I suppose. I embarrass myself so much over nothing...
Anyhow, back to the important stuff.
He won't slip by us. We don't have to look too hard to find Him because of His omnipresence. And it may not feel like we're doing what we need to be in how we grow in Him. But in the journey of growing to meet someone, it won't be instant. You don't set goals in becoming friends (at least, I hope you don't...), you just spend time with them and let time run its course. Patience and an open ear are all that's required to learn a good deal about a person. You build confidence and trust, ask more, do more with them. And before you realize it, they are a big part of your life and you can't imagine it without them. So it is with friendships, so it must be with God.
Maybe this is just me blowing things out of proportion as usual, but whenever I hear somebody tell me what I should be doing, I think they mean for me to do it right now, as soon as possible. Watch this show, draw this picture, start doing this, do this with me, I'll love you forev--GIVE ME A MOMENT TO BREATHe and tell myself that I don't need to and cannot possibly do it all!
(That is how it feels in my head. It's a confusing and frightening place. Don't come visit.)
It's the same thing with spiritual matters, sad to say. Except I'm even sadder when I cannot fulfill the request as soon as possible, because I worry that the state of my soul is in jeopardy and I'm being a bad example, bad preacher's daughter, bad person, all the rest. It's unrealistic and silly and totally unfair to myself, but hey, somebody's gotta do it, may as well be me. Tell me that I should maybe try to reach out more and tell people what I believe or invite them to church and I will quite literally worry myself sick and tearfully beg Him for forgiveness. So many thoughts bound about in my head and many of them are about the things I am not doing well enough. That I'm not where I need to be with school, my family, my friends, my God.
So I am glad that if all else fails, I have that constancy. I'll have protection and comfort no matter what, and grace for when I really do fail. I may not be perfect, but I am tied to perfection itself. And I am not always in that state of mind or feeling that warmth bubbling in my chest, but He is there regardless and He loves me. I may not always openly tell Him that I love Him back, nor He me, but we do. I am not the most devout. Even if I were to denounce all but myself and move to an abbey, I would still think myself inadequate in all likelihood. But this isn't about adequacy, something I struggle to understand even after accepting grace. This is about hearts and the desire to love the light. And that much, I can do. I just need to give myself some time.
I would say that you are wise beyond your years. Maybe what one calls an "old soul". Spending time with God transforms you.
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted to be an old soul, haha. Then I have a good excuse for my behavior.
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